I believe it to be true that when we find ourselves looking back at a point in time, we tend to gravitate towards two things- beginnings and endings. The beginnings of relationships, the ends of relationships. The start of a new job, the end of a new job. These two precipices are the most notable markers in the rhythm of life to pause & collect where we have been and where we are headed. But how can we, when we find ourselves at an end, find the guts, motivation and fearlessness to begin again. That jump to point Z to point A…a new beginning?
I have always had a quiet dream of being a photographer. . I am a graphic designer by trade, but somewhere deep inside – the photographer desire managed to hide away. But I couldn’t help but notice while I was busy with my head in Photoshop & InDesign – it seemed like everyone else I knew was suddenly becoming a photographer. My dream started to burrow itself a little bit deeper inside every time another friend got a new digital camera for Christmas and suddenly had a logo and website overnight. Who was I to think I could join in and be another “lady with a camera”? Besides, I was a graphic designer – I had already spent so much time investing in that dream that it seemed like I’d be dropping one thing to grab on to another. Really, those were all just excuses for me to hide behind my fear. Fear of people saying “Who does she think she is?”, fear of people thinking I wasn’t good enough, and really, the fear of failure.
Last summer marked our first year since we moved from Chicago to Connecticut. It wasn’t like I had a new lease on life or anything, but I certainly felt a sense of a “reset” button being hit somewhere inside. Old friends, old jobs, and old rhythms of life were left behind in the Windy City and we were beginning again here in New England as each day passed. As my 27th birthday approached, I really started to reflect on my life thus far – what did I want? Who did I want to be? At the end of the day, I did know this – I knew I had come to a point in my journey where I could look back and see the experiences I had, the people I had met, and the hard times sprinkled in-between were all to bring me to this place. A fresh, exciting, and sure place.
A place where I felt aware of all the paths that ended in today – and that I knew a new journey needed to begin. I didn’t share this with anyone. (As an external processor, that’s quite an accomplishment!) I started a new blog separate from my old one because it felt right to start on a fresh page with fresh thoughts. I blogged about my new sense of awareness in my life, but I didn’t really talk about it outside of that. I didn’t even give out the link to my new blog. I was still hiding behind the “Who does she think she is?” lens. My husband had gotten me a new 50mm lens for my birthday, and so I resurrected my old digital Rebel from the closet and started taking pictures. I also started to read a lot of photography blogs. I scoured the internet for what kind of camera all my favorite photographers shot with, and while my husband was away on a week-long trip for work I found the camera I wanted. It was an original Canon 5D, on eBay, being sold by a student who had received it from his photography professor. It was in great shape, a full format camera and exactly what I wanted. I had some extra money from a design project that I had just finished, so I bid on it - and I won! I called my husband to explain I had been looking at cameras again, and if it was okay, I had bid on a camera. He gave me the green light – in which then I told him, “Good! Because I just won!”
That week when my husband returned from his trip, we decided to take a spontaneous day trip to New York City. As we drove down the Merritt Parkway, I finally spilled the beans. I wanted to become a photographer. And I thought I sounded crazy, as I poured my heart out to him. At the end of all my rambling and as we crossed over the New York State line I came to my last confession – I needed him to be my biggest cheerleader in this. I needed to know he supported me. I needed to know that he wasn’t one of the people thinking “Who does she think she is?!” His response back to me was the exact thing I needed, affirmation, support, and love. He told me I could follow whatever calling had been given to me. So if my artist's heart wanted to express through photography, then a photographer I would be.
Over the next few months came the point where there was nowhere left to go but forward and jump. Trust me, this is when you realize how wide the canyon is from point Z to point A. My words for you today, friend, are these. Do what you need to do to see what your point Z to point A is. To see the end of the journey you’re on, and to find the place where you can find yourself. And be truthful to that. Be fearless about who you are, and you’ll find the right footing to jump. Remember that feeling, bottle it. There isn’t a day that goes by for me here in month seven of my first year where I don’t go back to that place and remind myself why I am doing this. To remind me that the fear can go away.
So today, begin. Write down all the things you’ve ever dreamt of being, down to the silliest thing you’ve ever thought possible (mine – professional Pinterester…it has to be a job!). Look over that list, and accept all those dreams that you’ve thought you can be. Know that however humble the place you’re in right now is, it has been the right to bring you to your point Z. Find ways to encourage yourself (I made a Pinterest board of inspiration and looked at it every day), find your biggest cheerleader, and ask them to support you through it all. Find out who you are down to your bones, and know that you are enough. Be fearless about who you are. About your craft. Be fearless about what others might think. Fearless about failure. Fearless about success. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end – so go ahead and leap fearlessly towards your next beginning.
