'Why' is one of my least favorite questions. I had a job once where almost weekly, I felt like I was being put on the spot to defend my decisions or explain my behaviors behind my actions. Not in a bad way, but just always being asked - why - was draining. Thinking on the spot and coming up with a solidified answer is hard for me. I'm an external processor (who is married to an internal processor....try that one on for size!). So for me, talking something out is the way I process. I can talk, and talk, and talk and talk. Until finally some little lightbulb in my head has talked it out enough to where it makes sense to me and I'm done.

Last October I sat across from Tiffany Farley. I had booked one of her mentoring sessions (which I highly recommend!), and while doing the prep work for my session I made a discovery.  At that time, I had eleven weddings under my belt. Three of my own, and eight with other photographers. I had an amazing year last year shooting with Maria, Mike, Alicia & Rachel, Erica, Carri, Ute, Justin & Mary - grateful doesn't even begin to describe how I feel to work with these fellow artists. But at the end of it, I sat across from Tiffany saying these words.

I don't want to photograph weddings right now.

That's not to say that I may never photograph another wedding in my life. There were things I absolutely loved about weddings, and things not so much. And the not so much, outweighed the things I loved about it in this season of my life. This, and honestly I have so many of my friends in this business shoot weddings. And they are doing so well at it. They are producing exciting, beautiful, iconic images. And I am thankful they are there to tell that part of someones story.

But really, that's not the the stories I want to tell.

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I want to tell the stories a year after the wedding. A time where you've started to settle down, nest, make a home. A time when the novelty of that new last name has worn off.

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I want to tell the story of the city you've grown to love, together - after the cake has been cut, and the bouquet has been tossed.

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I want to tell the story of us, with the backdrop of city lights, the flurry of people, and the honking of horns.

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I want to tell the part of the story you'll look back on and say, 'this is the place where you and me became us'.

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I want to photograph the two of you. In the city you love.

The place where storylines meet skylines.

I'll meet you there.

photo by Erica Rose Photography

I love coffee. I love to get it in any way, shape, method, or form. Pour over, Nespresso, Slow Drip, Percolator, french press, VIA even!

I especially love going out for coffee (we even had a photoshoot AT Intelligensia with Erica Rose back in 2011...ya, that's coffee dedication)All the steps that go into making that perfect pot of coffee have to be done in order, and with some methods, even timed just right. You can't boil the water after you've mixed it with the grounds, and you can't put in the filter after you've turned on the machine.Now, is this post about coffee...or about something else?Ya, something else.I have been brewing something for the past SEVEN MONTHS with amazing people like Tiffany Farley and Lyndsay Rush - as well as my bounce team of wonderful folks like my friends Erica, Mabrie, and Carri Lyn. Now, I have yes talked about it here and there...but this time, all the steps have almost finished and I'm ready to push "ON".

I'll be sharing more in the coming weeks leading up to my big JULY launch!

I woke up at 4am this morning (as I have been tending to the past few weeks either to shuffle my way to the bathroom, or lay awake feeling this little person punch and kick inside me) with this immediate rush of memories from the past five years. Things we said we'd do, things we always wanted to do, things that mattered in the beginning and don't seem to matter anymore. I laid awake for a good hour, mind swishing and swashing like one of those machines at the laundromat; full of why didn't we's and found myself beginning to creep into that side of subconscious where you start making up answers. This was probably my minds effort to gently lull me back to sleep, but this time it wasn't working. I rolled over and snuggled up to Andrew, hoping being close to him and away from all the should haves would make it all okay.

And then he started to snore.

"Stop snoring" I whispered - usually that works and he mumbles his way back to a silent sleep. But I could tell he wasn't asleep now either, and we both laid in the silence until some guy came walking by our apartment on a cell phone (usually this provides some middle of the night entertainment, but I couldn't make out his words).

"Whats wrong?" he asked in his middle of the night gravelly low voice. Immediately all that had been sloshing in my head the past hour spilled out (never ask an external processor what they're thinking about in the middle of the night). At the end I said "I just feel this need to wipe the board clean of all the things we wished we'd done the past five years - so that in five years from now we aren't laying remembering again all the things we haven't done. That today, our day one of the next five years - we can start again"

Because even though five years isn't fifty - today we'll celebrate all the things we have and haven't done well. That three years of grad school, one masters degree, a cross country move and a baby on the way has shaped us into two people with just a little more experience than on day one of one.

That all the hugs, snuggles, prayers whispered, tears shed, blanket stealing, arguments over the dishes and dinners cooked together have created more than a marriage, it has created a connection that is stronger - and keeps getting stronger.

What I have learned in my past year of photographing couples is that connection is always there, even if you can't feel it or see it in the every day of your relationship. Honestly, it's what makes me want to keep clicking the shutter to make sure it's captured for you to see.

That even if you wear your heart on your sleeve or if the connection seems lost in the mess of life - what once created that spark, however small - is still deep down in there.

We were sitting in traffic on the Cross County Parkway and I was drumming my fingers on the steering wheel while WNYC drown out the honking horns of the the thing I hate the most - waiting. I'm no stranger to rush hour traffic, as a person who has lived probably a quarter of her Chicago life sitting on Lake Shore Drive at about 5:15pm with the rest of the city. But once we got moving, and merged onto the Henry Hudson I started to mentally reengage from the traffic and let my creative juices soak my brain for an engagement session I had been waiting for weeks to shoot! As we magically found parking for a measly $10 for the evening (seriously, bestparking.com - you can thank me later) Andrew and I dodged cars as we speed walked down 10th Avenue towards Chelsea Market where we were meeting Ronnie and Amy. As we turned the corner, my eyes looking for Amy - they went instead to a person wearing the most amazing sequin dress. EVER. And then I saw Amy's red hair and her face and I knew instantly this session was worth the wait.

If you have never been to Highline Park - next time you're in New York take a stroll through. It is the most beautiful combination of architecture, gardens, and views of the Hudson that make you stop to realize this is no ordinary park.

And I honestly think engagement sessions are no ordinary photo sessions. I see them as a chance for us to get to know each other even more than we have already over coffee or email - just with a camera between us. On a wedding day, I get no greater joy than just to sit back and let the bride & groom relax and soak in every minute. Without the thought of 'there is a camera pointing at me', or 'everyone it watching'! So a session before the wedding is our chance to take a breath in and out, look straight into the camera, and let each click of the shutter document you - your story - your emotion - your love.

Take a scroll through some of my favorites here on the blog - or hop over to the PASS Gallery to see the entire collection from our shoot.Amy and Ronnie - Andrew and I have found two new friends to laugh with over cheeseburgers, bread pudding, (and a milkshake) and I am so looking forward to your beautiful October day!

Happy Friday everyone!

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Inspired by one of my favorite bloggers Hannah Brencher's posts a few Fridays back - she said there should be no rules about posting meaningful content on a Friday. And that really sat with me - I love my lists, and yes, they've all been silly, wishlist, latergrams. But after this week, I couldn't find one ounce of inspiration for a Pinterest wishlist or typing up a post about the recipe I just made for delicious strawberry shortcakes I just made (it's Martha's recipe). But I could find the inspiration to compile this list.

A collection of other people's words that I have found hitting me deep this week.

A collection of women who are wells of wisdom. That I have dipped my cup in and found relief in their words.

A collection of truths. That I have read with tired eyes and a weary spirit, and came away with a sparkle of hope to look to the sky for.

And I want to share them with you because I have heard, and want you to hear, that you are enough. That you can keep going. That you give and give - and need to stop and be poured back up...overflowing.

Just take a few minutes today and read each of these posts - because I need you hear these words 10,000 times over and over and over so you can understand, you are treasured by someone in this world.

Of Light & Darkness by Mary Marantz

A Prayer for the Brokenhearted by Ann Voskamp

We Cannot Stay Here Any Longer by Hannah Brencher

Your Truest Self by Tiffany Farley

Enough by Rachel Held Evens

Take these words, carry them with you, fill up your overheated, overrun, overworked soul with the sweetness of encouragement and knowledge that you are loved.

Do you have a post you'd like to add to the list? Leave it in the comments section and I'll post them here as they come in.

I was rifling through some old emails and found this one staring back at me.

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A year ago I purchased my first professional camera. And that $500 turned my year on it's head...and it's been wonderful. I have drank deeply - gulping as much knowledge as I can get down, hiccuped after taking too big of a drink, and today I'm breathing in and out as I look back on all I have taken in. About how to run a business. How to love on people. How to love on myself. How easy I can get down on myself. How graciously I have been reminded to keep going. How I can't believe how much faith others have had in me. How it feels to have that dream worth walking towards. How things happen in their own time. Some slowly and some overnight.

And how I need to sit back, take it all in - and keep walking forward.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! (and Suz Frazier and Hannah Brencher, other birthday twins of mine I know of).

In honor of my birthday, a small wishlist. (Can't a girl dream? Compliments of Pinterest.)

I'd wake up to bright sunshine and flowers at my bedside.

I'd have this for breakfast. Because, why not - it's my birthday.

And then I'd open some gifts after breakfast.

Everything would be put away, and so I'd have plenty of time to...

Hang out with my closest friends and family (who'd magically be in town).

And we'd eat this.

Then Andrew would say "Let's Go!"

And he'd have a place in the city all ready for us to spend the weekend in (New York, Chicago, Paris, who knows!)

We'd walk around after dinner and maybe go into a kitchen store (because it's my birthday).

And then we'd walk home after the perfect day.

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As you remember, a few months ago I did a workshop with Justin & Mary Marantz in New Haven - and one of the biggest things I walked away with wasn't beautiful photos, or the ability to keep my wits about me on a wedding day (I mean - I did learn those things too!), but it was something Mary said to me in the first 20 minutes of shooting. Forget expectations.

Funny she should say that as that was our theme for the year in 2011 - we were preparing to move to wherever God was calling Andrew in his ministry, and while we had both lived our entire lives in the Midwest we had to be realistic that God could call us to wherever He wanted. Thus - no expectations became our mantra. Having no expectations helped us go from frantic 'what-if-god-calls-us-to-the-middle-of-who-knows-where' to being able to truly center ourselves on the fact that when we have expectations, where are not having open eyes and ears to where we are being led in life.

So for Mary to say those two words to me as I am boiling over in frantic 'what-if-people-say-i-have-the-wrong-camera-wrong-lenses-wrong-website-or-don't-do-what-everyone-else-is-doing" jabber, all I could think was "are you kidding me?".

Maybe God sends us reoccuring messages in different ways so we can be reminded that He created us individually. That He created us with gifts and abilities different from each other. So that we listen and watch closely for those moments where He is especially talking to us. So that we aren't looking at what others have, what paths others are walking and think that there is a one size fits all standard to life.

Maybe you need to hear this today too - to leave your expectations of what things should be and accept them as they are. That things as they are might be better than what you expected.

Another week come and gone, and PHEW it was a hot one here in Hartford. And our new place doesn't have central air (ya....our last place did...we were spoiled). So it's back to fans, fans, fans, and sleeping with the window WIDE open which is one of the reasons I love being on the 2nd floor.

Folkies. (Yes, folkies - a super awesome word coined by Mr. Jackson Crum, one of my former pastors).

Thank you for tuning in to Showit LIVE on Wednesday! I couldn't stop smiling as I saw familiar names in the chat, and it meant the world to me. And can I just say (because I feel like when I talk to my blog, aka - you, you're leaning in over a cup of coffee) - I wasn't nervous. Maybe for like five seconds (and when I watch the rebroadcast I can tell when my voice is a little nervous-y). I truly felt like I was saying things I was suppose to say. And that makes me want to praise GOD when I think about Wednesdays show because trust me, I could have said really stupid stuff (I do ALL THE TIME). I rewatched it - no slip-ups of what I wanted to say, no "well I said this, but meant to say this". It all makes sense. Truly, it's the Lord. I swear. That little prayer before, God - help me be your mouthpiece - full of clear thoughts, and what I am suppose to say is what will come out.

Phew. Good. Yay. So glad I've got that under my belt.

On to the real reason why you're there - I LOVE LISTS FRIDAY.

Today, I was driving to the post office at lunch and a song came on the radio, that is also in one of my favorite movies. And I felt like I wanted to be one of those people out the top of a limo or a convertible, wind in my hair, absorbing life to the rhythm of this song.

And I have moments like that too much to not talk about them.

So here is my list, songs that I want to live my life to, from movies. Hit it.

1. Dreams - by the Cranberries // You've got Mail

You know you've walked down the street, pumping that song from your iPod and thought - I am Kathleen Kelly, I am walking down the street, I am buying a pumpkin, drinking Starbucks with my Zabar's tote, and I am awesome. Don't worry, I have too.

2. Home - by Michael Buble // The Wedding Date

Michael Buble is all over this soundtrack, but it's this song that makes me think - sure why not, I want to be flying to London for my sister Amy Adam's wedding with a devilishly handsome stranger as my date, and we fall in love while dancing to Michael Buble with my beautiful, flowy Tiffany blue dress on.

3. A Little Party - by Fergie AND Bang Bang - by Wil.I.Am // The Great Gatsby

Official song duo of dancing around the house while cleaning and pretending I'm a flapper while Jay Gatsby is all cool in his cool shirts in the corner.

4. Got to be Real - by Cheryl Lynn // SATC Season 4 Episode 2, The Real Me

Yes, I just got real specific. And yea yea, this isn't a movie. BUT I LOVE THIS SONG. I love working out while listening to it, and I think of Carri face planting on the catwalk in her jeweled undies and then later dancing in her own apartment in her old granny panties.

5. Bad Girls - by Donna Summer // Picture Perfect

This is one of the first movies that I ever saw with a friend, I believe circa 1997. And I absolutely loved that scene where they are sunning themselves on the roof of a Manhattan highrise being silly planning Jennifer Anistons fake relationship to make none other than Kevin Bacon jealous (please tell me you've seen this movie). I love this song - I will blast it from my car, my office, my headphones while running. Toot toot, beep beep.

6. Sweet Disposition - by Temper Trap // (500) Days of Summer

This is the song that I want to listen to with the windows down, cruising the country side with my man. We love this song. :)

Oh my gosh I could go on. But I'll save that for another I LOVE LISTS Friday.

What's YOUR favorite song that makes you dance in your seat (or through the house?) Leave a comment below and I'll pick one lucky person to win a $10 Spotify or iTunes giftcard!

Happy weekend! Monday I'm blogging Chad & Laura's gorgeous, misty, and beautiful Cape Cod engagement shoot...make sure to circle back up for that!

Today you will have the privilege of subjecting yourself to the voice behind my blog, photography and design in the flesh for thirty whole minutes on a little show called Showit Live.

Showit is the amazing amazing platform that I have built my website on, and as a designer, can I please just say "swwoooooon". It has been the building blocks of giving me the ability to take what is in my head, and make it into the part of my business I like to call "my virtual handshake". But beyond that, Showit has an amazing community that I am extremely blessed to be a part of - and if 30 minutes is what I can give back today to that community, then give me (two) espresso, a comfy couch, and let's do this thing!

I'll be talking about my first year in business today, how being a graphic designer has helped me, and also dubunking the myths of what the first year should look like.

But truly, I'd be honored if you tuned in, and participated in the chat so I can answer any of your questions - from how I juggle a full time job and my business to how many espressos I really drink in a day.

Can't wait! Tune in, today, 1:00pm Eastern Time. www.showitfast.com/live

http://showitfast.com/live/show.php

I love lists. Seriously - any time those "25 questions about you" went viral on Facebook (or Xanga - let's be honest here) I always took 5 minutes to do them.So why not - a good portion of my college blogging days were list and picture based, so here we go.

1. Last Thursday I went to Great Gatsby with my sweet friend Mabrie who was in town visiting for the day - and then I went back with Andrew on Saturday to see it AGAIN. And I am trying to figure out a way to go see it....again. Any takers?

2. We got these super cool new lights in our dining room (we're calling it our "dinner lighting" and I am so excited to have folks over once our new place is in order to try them out!

3. My bike finally made it over to the new place! Just needs a little TLC and a walk to the air pump so I can cruise all over town.

4. Officially obsessed with my Nespresso machine. Want to be in ignorant bliss about how many espresso I have every day. La la la laaaa la laaa (<--ignorant bliss)

5. Andrew and I moved our mattress to the new place on Wednesday and seriously I had to repress my urge to yell PIVOT....PIVOT....PIVOT.

6. Driving to and from Hartford afterwork lugging our stuff from Middletown the other day, the most beautiful sunset on the city. Ahhh.

7. First night in the new place. Having to bring back my ability to sleep with trucks, fire engines, and randoms roaming about in the middle of the night. When I lived on Addison St in Chicago my mom could never sleep when she visited because she said I lived on a truck route....I never noticed how loud it was until she said it. Now i need to regain those skills so I can sleep like a baby.

8. I was pulling up to our building yesterday and realized I haven't posted a picture of the outside. Here she is. My sister said it looks like a Boarding House. A mexican one. I think it's cute. Our bedroom is right above the door on the left.

Happy Friday!

When we lived in Chicago, I ever so often cruised the Craigslist apartment ads searching for that dream apartment, low cost, bigger than what we're in now, hardwood floors, interesting architecture, and of course, blocks from my closest friends or favorite restaurant. Apartment real estate is an interesting concept to me - everyone is searching for that perfect place, and who knows, it may even be just down the street. So when we found the perfect first floor, fire place bearing, french door boasting, hardwood floored apartment in a historic home just a block from a quaint New England main street, we thought we'd never leave. But ever since we moved to Connecticut, Hartford, the city just 15 miles up the road, intrigued us. We had heard the good the bad and the ugly about the city, but even so, every time we drove down Farmington Avenue we had the same conversation, what would it be like to live here?

This January we began seriously talking about moving - even though our quaint house seems perfect, the lack of storage, space for guests, distance from friends, and talk of expanding our family someday didn't seem to fit in our 2 bedroom. We talked it over with our closest friends here in Connecticut and they all agreed, relocating to Hartford seemed like a great move.

I called my mom last week, "We found the place we had been looking for all those years in Chicago". Bigger, cheaper (what?!), space for guests, space for future little Sturdys, an office/studio for my business, closets everywhere and walking distance to multiple Hartford pals, parks and restaurants - as of June 1st we will be Hartford residents!

I am so excited to show you our new place - whether it be in person or through my blog...so stay tuned, tomorrow: pictures of our new place on the way!

As many of you are keenly aware, last weekend was Easter. Most likely you gathered around your grandmas, parents, or even your own table to share a meal together. We live thousands of miles away from our family tables where those meals are happening, and we can picture everything so clearly in our minds, it almost does feel like I can smell my Aunt Mary's fresh baked bread wafting through the kitchen. We are, however, fortunate enough to be a part of someone else's family table here in Connecticut. A table where everyone squeezes in, and babies flank the corners with yogurt covered faces and the tiny cut up green beans mixed with cherrios and juice. Where a princess placemat serves as a placecard for the tiniest guests, and the yellow chair is a hot commodity. Where board games come out along side the last bites of dessert, and guests turned friends are endured to one other over glasses of wine, cups of coffee and the last pours of a local brew.

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Shauna Niequist's new book, Bread and Wine, is truly a love letter to life around a table such as this. Her voice through the pages is so genuine, her stories so vivid and her choice of recipes give fresh vision & guidance to life's basic needs: nourishment for body, and nourishment for soul.

"The table reminds us that we're human, that God gave us a sense of hunger - and that's a good thing. It's like an internal timer that sends us back to this meeting place, this place where we can connect and be nourished, not only by the food, but by the conversations that we have there."

So even more so on that sunny cold Saturday, Andrew and I were hungry. For that family dinner, however perfect the appetizers laid out to however messy the table abandoned by the kids to return to their playtime. And we're blessed enough to say we are nourished. -- So before you open another tab to pre-order this lovely book on Amazon, know that I'm giving away a copy of Bread & Wine. Giveaway is open from 8am to 8pm (EST), Friday, April 5th. You will receive the book the day it's released, Tuesday, April 9th (either hardcopy or Kindle version - your choice). Simply tell me this, when you come to the table, how are you nourished? A favorite recipe? A favorite group of people? What do you taste, smell, or see?

Nigella's Flourless Chocolate Brownies from Shauna Niequist's Bread & Wine These brownies were the perfect addition to our Easter dinner around the table, and trust me even after scraping the dish clean - we dove in for seconds long after dessert was over. Try sticking them in the fridge for round two - divine.

Ingredients 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips 1 cup butter 1 cup sugar 1 teaspoon vanilla 1 teaspoon almond extract 3 eggs, beaten 1 1/2 cups almond meal or ground almonds 1 cup walnuts, chopped

InstructionsPreheat the oven to 325 degrees. Melt the chocolate and butter over low heat in a saucepan, stirring until glossy and smooth.

Take the pan off the burner, mix in the vanilla, sugar, and almond extract, and let it cool for just a few minutes.

Stir the eggs into the saucepan, then add the ground almonds and chopped walnuts and stir again. The batter will be a little grainy at this point because of the almonds, but don't worry a bit.

Pour batter into an 8 by 8 pan, and bake for 25 to 30 minutes, until the top has set but the brownies are still a little wiggly. Let cool completely, then cut into 16 small squares. *let me tell you we cut these into 8 SQUARES. Still good? Better. :) *I didn't have almond extract so I doubled the vanilla *I didn't have enough chocolate chips, so I subbed 1/2 cup cocoa powder and 1/2 cup chocolate chips *we did one with and without walnuts, both were delicious in their own ways with their own personality!

Shauna Niequist is the author of Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet, and Bread & Wine. Shauna grew up in Barrington, Illinois, and then studied English and French Literature at Westmont College in Santa Barbara. She is married to Aaron, who is a pianist and songwriter. Aaron is a worship leader at Willow Creek and is recording a project called A New Liturgy. Aaron & Shauna live outside Chicago with their sons, Henry and Mac. Shauna writes about the beautiful and broken moments of everyday life--friendship, family, faith, food, marriage, love, babies, books, celebration, heartache, and all the other things that shape us, delight us, and reveal to us the heart of God.

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Somehow I think clearer with the honking horns and energy of the city. My extroverted being seems to rest when the world around me is in a busy flurry of activity - and I can rest in a deep down kind of way where all that busy flurry is off my shoulders and transferred onto the streets. So here I am on a Sunday afternoon....dreaming, scheming, giving my heart and soul room to dream so many deep dreams and plans for my life.

I put down my pen after a half hour of scribbling, and look out over the skyline. I want to capture this moment for myself. To look back on and draw the peace, quiet, rest and creative space from these moments that seem significant to my creative soul, and visit the photograph again and again down the road.

As I pick up my camera and start adjusting my camera settings to capture this beauty only significant to my heart, I hear a question on repeat from a conversation I just had with someone who is wise beyond her years, full of graceful questioning and perspective...why are you doing this? Why do you take pictures? A photo, I guess in simple terms, is just a tiny fragment of these hours today. Time wise, a photo is probably even less than a moment...1/125th of a second really to capture all this emotion, quiet, restful and holy feel of this space. Is that really all it takes? 1/125ths of a second?

And then it seems that the doors of my heart, soul and head burst open...I realize this is why I do this...my WHY.

Because in some way, YES, that is all it takes...1/125th of a second. But there are only so many halfs of a second in life that make me feel this way. And why should I let them pass by. After that second, it's gone. So to grab that 1/125th of a second, that's all I can do to capture a part of my story to share with anyone willing to listen.

And to do that for others. To give them this gift of that second. And give them the ability to access that very second for the rest of their life...to frame that second that will sit on the mantel of their home, their children's home, their grandchildren's home. To give them the gift of being able to look back on that significant second and access every ounce of tingly love, emotion, and space just as it was that day through a photograph. That's what I want to leave behind. For you. For me. For our children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. For someone to come across 50 years from now and say "Wow. I feel who this person is. I can feel their happiness. Their soul. I can see it, right here."

Because just like today when the streets are filled with people running their Sunday errands, the horns are honking, and everything starts to get fuzzy for me in my mind, one look back on my photograph can transport me back to a place of solid ground. And I can remember what poured onto my pages about what is important in life. That the ideas, dreams and wishes schemed in that moment are what I want to build my life on. And that is this: to be a photographer who gives you the gift of capturing now. The heart and soul of these one hundreths of a second that tap into and draw back this moment for you to feel, and for you to pass on to those who are special to you forever.

I got up from my seat to grab a tissue as I wiped away a tear. Here I was, sitting in the living room of two people I only met yesterday and I had tears rolling down my face as we watch images of a wedding of two strangers panning across the screen. As the slideshow ended and the music faded off, Justin started to set out lunch for us all and Mary pulled up a picture from their wedding. And she asked us to ponder a simple question, "What does photography mean to me?" One by one, we went around and talked about images of husbands, wives, grandparents, love ones lost - how they affected our craft and why they lead us to pick up this calling of "see-ers".

Only 12 hours earlier at the end of the first day - after pages upon pages of notes, and hundreds of photos and poses and bracketing.... I felt like giving up. And I was having an internal panic. That I had the wrong camera, that I would never be able to get clients, that I had no idea what I was doing. Mary came up to Amy and I to see how we were doing, and she could read it on our faces. In only Mary's sweet, calming voice, she told us that nearly everyone feels that way at the end of day one. Sigh of relief - I shoved a chocolate truffle or two in my mouth as I quietly talked myself off the ledge of giving up photography forever. We shot a few more pictures with the bride & groom, hugged goodbye, and I rolled home to Middletown, exhausted but ready to see what day two held.

The next morning, teary eyed and trying to internalize my urge to ugly cry (hey - we're artists...we have a lot of feelings!) I scanned my brain for images that move me, and help me tell the story of what photography means to me. The photos that are that heartswell of love for the people in my life, and inspire me to capture snapshots of life. I thought of an image of my parents - a close up of them, 17 years old, at the airport as my dad is boarding the plane for Camp Pendleton bootcamp in 1969 and my mom hugging him. Andrew and I, standing outside the Art Institute in Chicago a week before we moved. The city where we fell in love, became adults, and became an "us" in.

And in that moment I began to feel my "WHY". Why those images make me feel the way I do about photography. Why it doesn't matter if I have the right camera, or if it takes me years to get clients. Photography allows me to bottle moments. To be able to hang on to everything happening around us that hold meaning big and small. How the dress felt. The shoes. The veil. The smell of the flowers. Your hand in his. Little things that tell a big story about that day, that season of life, or that moment. Happiness, tears, joy. I want to bottle them. For you, for your children, for your grandchildren.

Justin & Mary's Walk Through a Wedding was so much more than a "how-to" of point a to point b on a wedding day. More than how to organize a workflow, or the pretty flowers and chocolates of our "Cocoa & Chanel" theme.

It's a deep breath - a gently guided conversation, a moment to pause and ask "why do I do what I do"?

So thank you J & M - for the big and small things! For showing me how to use a speedlite, for showing me how to slow down and ask "why", for journeying with me in these days of my story, and for your invitation of friendship.

Your Why, your vision and your love inspired me more than you know.

Makeup Artist (Erin Infantino - www.simplygorgeousbyerin.com) Designer (Sarah Goodwin of Daisies & Pearls - www.daisiesandpearls.com) Head piece designer (Preston & Olivia - www.prestonandolivia.com) Venue (The Chetstone New Haven - www.chetstone.com) Genius Master Storytellers and Robusto Cheese Mongers (Jusin & Mary Marantz - www.justinmarantz.com)

Walk Through a Wedding Workshop (http://walkthrough.spreadtheloveworkshop.com/)

Wednesday morning I had a tough time in my bootcamp class. I couldn't work as hard, as fast, and just felt off during those 30 reps of burpees (let's be honest, who doesn't feel off doing burpees?). I have been doing my 6am class three times a week since January 2nd, and this was the first time I felt like I was hitting a wall since the first week. Like a whole other layer of muscles were waking up, and I hurt. At the end of class, I crawled home through the two feet of snow back to my cozy house on the corner and curled up on the couch with a blanket, coffee, and my iPad. I pulled my inbox up and sat staring at my new emails. Two from potential wedding inquiries - both saying they had gone with other photographers. I pulled the blanket a little tighter and sighed. Two weeks ago my beloved Canon 5D had started acting up and I was advised to get a second camera body and move my other camera as a backup in case it died. I had just ordered a new camera the night before, and now it felt like I was all dressed up with nowhere to go. That doesn't even speak to the irony that I had just had a featured guest post on another photographer’s blog cheering all the wishers and dreamers to follow their callings and jump towards them fearlessly. Heck, I even felt like I had done the equivalent of shouting from the rooftops, be fearless about being yourself. And now I was having to read and reflect on my own words, my own cheering, my own encouragements to all you and listen. There are going to be days where the fog is a little too thick to see where we are going. One other component of my leap into photography that I didn't touch on in Tuesday's blog was this - faith. Faith in knowing the ultimate artist - the one who created my creativity - is leading me. Slowly walking me down the path of finding out who I am as an artist, but also who I am as His child. Knowing, trusting, and resting in those things. Know trusting and resting in this crazy road map of a life that is my story because of Him. So Wednesday morning, I ate my words. And they weren't bitter, weren't hard to digest - the scars, the hard days, and the down and out days make being fearless a necessity.

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Today for the first time I am so honored to be blogging about the first 7 months of my business kicking off....over at Ashley Fisher Photography's blog! She started her first year in business series last week and I am so excited to be sharing about how to even BEGIN on the journey of your first year of business. Ashley is just out of the woods on her first year of business (more like...the great Redwood forest...her first year was fantastic!) and so I am so excited to see where the rest of this series goes!

So here’s the original blog post from Ashley’s blog, hopefully, it speaks to you today!

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I believe it to be true that when we find ourselves looking back at a point in time, we tend to gravitate towards two things- beginnings and endings. The beginnings of relationships, the ends of relationships. The start of a new job, the end of a new job. These two precipices are the most notable markers in the rhythm of life to pause & collect where we have been and where we are headed. But how can we, when we find ourselves at an end, find the guts, motivation and fearlessness to begin again. That jump to point Z to point A…a new beginning?

I have always had a quiet dream of being a photographer. . I am a graphic designer by trade, but somewhere deep inside – the photographer desire managed to hide away. But I couldn’t help but notice while I was busy with my head in Photoshop & InDesign – it seemed like everyone else I knew was suddenly becoming a photographer. My dream started to burrow itself a little bit deeper inside every time another friend got a new digital camera for Christmas and suddenly had a logo and website overnight. Who was I to think I could join in and be another “lady with a camera”? Besides, I was a graphic designer – I had already spent so much time investing in that dream that it seemed like I’d be dropping one thing to grab on to another. Really, those were all just excuses for me to hide behind my fear. Fear of people saying “Who does she think she is?”, fear of people thinking I wasn’t good enough, and really, the fear of failure.

Last summer marked our first year since we moved from Chicago to Connecticut. It wasn’t like I had a new lease on life or anything, but I certainly felt a sense of a “reset” button being hit somewhere inside. Old friends, old jobs, and old rhythms of life were left behind in the Windy City and we were beginning again here in New England as each day passed. As my 27th birthday approached, I really started to reflect on my life thus far – what did I want? Who did I want to be? At the end of the day, I did know this – I knew I had come to a point in my journey where I could look back and see the experiences I had, the people I had met, and the hard times sprinkled in-between were all to bring me to this place. A fresh, exciting, and sure place.

A place where I felt aware of all the paths that ended in today – and that I knew a new journey needed to begin. I didn’t share this with anyone. (As an external processor, that’s quite an accomplishment!) I started a new blog separate from my old one because it felt right to start on a fresh page with fresh thoughts. I blogged about my new sense of awareness in my life, but I didn’t really talk about it outside of that. I didn’t even give out the link to my new blog. I was still hiding behind the “Who does she think she is?” lens. My husband had gotten me a new 50mm lens for my birthday, and so I resurrected my old digital Rebel from the closet and started taking pictures. I also started to read a lot of photography blogs. I scoured the internet for what kind of camera all my favorite photographers shot with, and while my husband was away on a week-long trip for work I found the camera I wanted. It was an original Canon 5D, on eBay, being sold by a student who had received it from his photography professor. It was in great shape, a full format camera and exactly what I wanted. I had some extra money from a design project that I had just finished, so I bid on it - and I won! I called my husband to explain I had been looking at cameras again, and if it was okay, I had bid on a camera. He gave me the green light – in which then I told him, “Good! Because I just won!”

That week when my husband returned from his trip, we decided to take a spontaneous day trip to New York City. As we drove down the Merritt Parkway, I finally spilled the beans. I wanted to become a photographer. And I thought I sounded crazy, as I poured my heart out to him. At the end of all my rambling and as we crossed over the New York State line I came to my last confession – I needed him to be my biggest cheerleader in this. I needed to know he supported me. I needed to know that he wasn’t one of the people thinking “Who does she think she is?!” His response back to me was the exact thing I needed, affirmation, support, and love. He told me I could follow whatever calling had been given to me. So if my artist's heart wanted to express through photography, then a photographer I would be.

Over the next few months came the point where there was nowhere left to go but forward and jump. Trust me, this is when you realize how wide the canyon is from point Z to point A. My words for you today, friend, are these. Do what you need to do to see what your point Z to point A is. To see the end of the journey you’re on, and to find the place where you can find yourself. And be truthful to that. Be fearless about who you are, and you’ll find the right footing to jump. Remember that feeling, bottle it. There isn’t a day that goes by for me here in month seven of my first year where I don’t go back to that place and remind myself why I am doing this. To remind me that the fear can go away.

So today, begin. Write down all the things you’ve ever dreamt of being, down to the silliest thing you’ve ever thought possible (mine – professional Pinterester…it has to be a job!). Look over that list, and accept all those dreams that you’ve thought you can be. Know that however humble the place you’re in right now is, it has been the right to bring you to your point Z. Find ways to encourage yourself (I made a Pinterest board of inspiration and looked at it every day), find your biggest cheerleader, and ask them to support you through it all. Find out who you are down to your bones, and know that you are enough. Be fearless about who you are. About your craft. Be fearless about what others might think. Fearless about failure. Fearless about success. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end – so go ahead and leap fearlessly towards your next beginning.

As a child I remember the first time I saw a 'tragedy' on TV - it was 1989 and the Bay Bridge had collapsed. The pictures on TV and the stories I heard was the first time I cognitively remember being disturbed by the news. I was obsessed with watching more and more about it at the young age of 4. Clearly, the images made an impression on me - my entire life and even as an adult, I have a reoccurring dream of falling off a bridge that always resembles the Bay Bridge. On Friday - many children experienced the incoming news of the events in Newtown, Connecticut. My heart is heavy as I think of every child in America this morning going back to school, my mom, mother in-law and brother in-law who work in schools, my sister who is a future teacher, my friends who work in schools and especially those children in my state. The amount of information that has been presented this past weekend and the idea of having to walk into a school this Monday morning surely is terrifying. I'm sure we all pray for protection over their little minds and their dreams after Friday.

I can't help but think how this changes Christmas this year. As of Friday, I truly - for maybe the first time - am able to tune out the Holly Jolly, Deck the Halls, Jingle Bell rock version of Christmas. My Spotify Christmas list of songs I typically listen to has been whittled down to songs about a child - born to save us. The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him—the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of might, the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the Lord (Isaiah 11:2).

There are so many thoughts, fears, questions unanswered. With you, I share those fears. Those thoughts. Those questions unanswered. This song came on my playlist a while ago, and my heart understood the words in a way that made sense. I hope you find these words in your own way, that your heart understands this plea, and finds hope.

Star of Bethlehem shining bright

bathing the world in heav'nly light,

Let the glow of your distant glory

fill us with hope this Christmas night.

Star of innocence, star of goodness

gazing out since time began,

You who've lived through endless ages

view with love the age of man.

Star of beauty hear our plea,

whisper your wisdom tenderly.

Star of Bethlehem set us free

make us a world we long to see.

Star of Bethlehem, star up high,

miracle of the midnight sky,

Let your luminous life of heaven

better our hearts and make us fly.

Star of happiness, star of wonder

you see everything from afar,

Cast your eye upon the future

make us wiser than we are.

Star of gentleness, hear our plea,

whisper your wisdom tenderly.

Star of Bethlehem set us free

make us a world we long to see.

If you need some music for today to rest on, please feel free to subscribe to my list on Spotify.

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So - my friends are moving. Erikka was my college roommate for two years, and is one of my best friends. Her husband Eric has been the director at a camp in New Hampshire for the past 5 summers. She moved there after they got married 4 years ago, and luckily last year when we moved to the East Coast this put us a mere 2 hours away from them.

They're moving in to a new season of life, and with that, moving out of New England. So, we wanted to do a little photo shoot to capture life in their little corner of New Hampshire. There was a lot of romping through fields, pulling over for "the perfect light" and of course a NH covered bridge. The best part? We ended the evening over a giant pizza at the best place in town.

We are here at their house again this weekend - the last weekend! We packed the kitchen, ate pringles & teddy grahams. We watched REV (our new favorite excuse for talking in British accents & testing Erikka's Kate Middleton IQ) and now we're sitting on the couch together watching Friends. So, bye bye my friends - we love you, we will miss you, and we will see you real soon.

Lately we have been joking around that anytime after the 4th of July signals an almost immediate countdown to fall. It feels that as I've gotten older, this window of time between 4th of July and Fall has grown shorter and shorter. In high school it's the ever impending date of "back of school" (September), in college it's when I'd move back to Chicago for the year (August), then at camp it seemed that that the 4th is the "beginning" of the camping season, but then everything after that is a blur and then suddenly I'm finding myself washing clothes, transferring summer goods to storage and taking out books, dishes, sweaters...college stuff. School stuff. Meaning, that August/September deadline is just around the corner. Even now, though there is nothing to blur the lines between back to school and Fall except the weather - any cool day after the 4th seems to be Fall whispering "I'm coming soon. Don't forget".Today in conversation with someone, the word "Fall" hadn't hung in the air less than 2 seconds and I immediately felt myself longing for it. For orange and red. For crunchy leaves. For pumpkins. For sweaters and leather boots and scarves. For change. For the "next".Fall can be time when it seems everything starts to die...but really it's when growing underneath starts. Begins.