Part of the reason that I feel so moved to photograph people's lives is that I truly believe photos speak to our souls, and the way they resonate with us constantly changes.Today is the day five years ago that Andrew proposed to me. I'm not one to celebrate the anniversaries of our first date, first kiss, first whatever....but the day he proposed to me is still one of my favorite days in the history of my life thus far.So each year I like to flip through about a collection of 100 pictures a friend took while Andrew was proposing and the little celebration afterwards. These are the 5 that spoke to me the most this year. There are some that I passed over in years passed, and some that I keep coming back to. My heart is so happy for my sweet friend Mabrie who helped Andrew mastermind this engagement plan, and had the foresight to take pictures of the whole thing - without her none of this would even exist.In the shadow of the skyline of the city we both love.His words.The diamond of my engagement ring belonged to my mother in law, and all Sturdy women have 6-prong rings. I love being a part of that history.My ring just looks so new and fresh on my hand as we hugged.This is my favorite picture afterwards when we went downstairs to the office where all my friends were waiting. What photos speak to you in your life? What do they say and why are they special?

I wrote this post on January 27th and 10 days later I had sat with it long enough to publish. And feel good about it. I finally have sat down to make goals. GOALS! I'm a month late (if you consider January 1st to be the gold standard for goal setting), but it seems like it's taken me a month to really figure out what I want. How many times a week I want to work out, what our budgets will be, how much time I want to spend doing X & Z...even down to things I need to give myself permission to not think about in 2013 (ahem...kids).The funny thing about goals is that I imagine myself failing at all of them. Isn't that sad? Why make them in the first place if you're going to start out with that thought in mind.I began thinking about what I want out of my business this year. How many weddings I want to shoot, who's weddings I want to shoot, what I want to design, dream clients and so on. But most of all I want my goals to make sense for me. To not be superfluous - to count. To push me. To be a constant reminder of what I can become. Trusting I can become.So here are my goals. Scary to put them "out there" - on the internet. For all you folks who read my blog but don't comment (I see you, just tell me you're here!)Photography1. Shoot at least 6 weddings as the primary shooter - and gain as many second shooter opportunities as I can get. (need a second shooter? Email me!)2. Figure out what my ideal client profile is. (Thank you Justin & Mary in advance for "The Guide"...it's rocking my world)3. Make more photography friends in my area. (Live in Connecticut? Let's get together and talk apertures!)4. Photograph my everyday life more. (And get another external hard drive to house it all) Design1. Design 1-2 Showit Style Groups...possibly kickstarting a new portion of my business.2. Only take projects I'm excited about.3. Redesign/Update my current website & blog. (almost there if you're reading this on hellohelloaliciasturdy.com!)4. Collaborate with other designers. Personal1. Pray daily. (not while multitasking like while I'm brushing my teeth)2. Start journaling again...pen and paper style.3. One full day a week for just me and Andrew. (Let's keep each other accountable, dear reader. I want to be in the business of successful relationships & marriages!)4. Work out 3-5 days per week to loose ALL my Chicago weight. (weight gained from arriving and leaving Chicago. We'll just leave it at that.) Ready....set....GO! What goals are you making for your 2013? Share them - we can work together!

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Just now when I was typing the title "the end of 2012" I already have "trained" my fingers to type 2013...and I "couldn't help but wonder" (don't all good self reflections start with that beautifully coined phrase?) - looking back on the past year I can see a spectrum of two seasons - and what will 2013 hold?I had been use to being in such a winterous season of life that when I looked up in 2012 - all of the sudden I was standing in the throws of spring. Now: Disclaimer. Please read this and know this is my heart writing pen to the paper (hypothetically). I am truly, honestly, 100% hand on the Bible telling you that this adventure called my life has not had one bit of regret. Even in the winters.Because even winter has it's beauty. Even winter has warm days. The growing of every root of every tree happens below ground level - in winter. I am certain every second of my winter(s) have been lived exactly how it should have been. I'm not saying I've been exactly floating along on a cloud eating bon bons...because I really hope you don't see me as one of those people that "everything works out for" and "everything is perfect", dear reader. I have learned over the past 27.5 years that taking it one day at a time is the best strategy I have. Praying daily. Worrying about what I'm already chewing on and trying not to think of my next bite.A few years ago I had this image in my mind. An image of sheep resting in a field. Grazing. Peaceful. I felt like I was not in that field. I was always in the throws of something - not being able to rest. Not grazing. Always struggling and battling. Always doing the wrong thing.And all I wanted was to be a sheep in the field.But now that I am high enough to see why I wasn't in the peaceful grazing field three years ago... it wasn't one thing or another that was "keeping" me from the resting field... that it's all the little teeny things in between here and there that make the pasture I'm resting in now.And I guess where the name for my blog comes from. The teeny tiny things. In life. That make up all the good and the bad. The celebrating of seasons that each have their turn and time.And I'm in my field. And it's spring.

So last week was going along just fine and normal - we celebrated our anniversary, had a friend in from out of town, and I had my weekend run (3 more left!) ahead of me for the marathon. I even had a fancy new blog post idea waiting to be typed out for the weekend.Then came the rain.Like a hail storm, piece by piece, it began to rain from the sky. One thing after another was coming down on us bit by bit, and it got cloudy and dark at the Sturdy house. Then, like those summer storms, it just stopped. The sun came out. And now we wait.The only thing I feel is coming to me and I'll tell you as well - keep walking.I keep getting this image of calm and peace, and walking. Heel to toe, heel to toe.To not disrupt anything, to not stomp through all the areas of our life that are spinning.But just to keep walking. Through the phone calls. Through the tears. Through the ups and down, and new news and old news. Keep walking.

October 11th, 2008.At the end of the long, blue stone aisle lined with perfectly bunched candles and 125 of our friends and family was the man I have had the honor of calling my husband for the past four years. He is tall, kind, loving, protective and I would not want any other person sharing the blankets with me every night from here until the end.I have been thinking a lot about what we were doing in preparation for the big day - picking up the flowers, table clothes, deep dish pizza (for the rehearsal dinner...come on - we're Chicagoians!), and even squeezing in a "Last Single Girl" sushi dinner with 15 of my closest friends two nights before the wedding. But nothing can prepare you for what's on the other side of "I Do" - grad school, late nights of washing dishes, the well timed (ha!) argument before bed, days of loving your job, days of hating your job, car trouble, a (half) cross country move, making new friends together - and most importantly finding that your best friend is indeed the one next to you every night.I was just texting with a girlfriend from highschool who's about to get married in a few weeks (congrats Brittany and Joel!) - and it made think back to the beginning of all this. Through all the messy, ugly, beautiful, and raw moments of the past four years, I am cherishing the past 365 the most. In moving from the midwest, and feeling I was losing so much love from friends and family, I found that I gained all that back and more in my marriage.So here's to our wedding day - for each bite of that delicious cake, each silly dance with my sisters and mom, for my last dance with my dad and my first with my husband. To loosing the confirmation papers for our hotel on the way to the honeymoon. To eating a room service midnight snack of chicken fingers and burgers at the end of the long day.To year one - the experiments in the kitchen, making new friends, starting new journeys in grad school, and to learning how each other grieves, celebrates, rests.To year two - to feeling like "we've got this down"...and finding out we had it all wrong, to finding our Chicago sweet spots, for friends babies that became nieces and nephews, to our last summer in the midwest.To year three - the hardest of them all. To moving, to exploring, to lots of tears, to learning even more about each other.To year four - to discovering, to settling in, to excelling in jobs, to friends who move away, to renewed joy in our home.In honor of our anniversary - I'm giving away two couple portrait sessions - one in Connecticut and one in the New York City/Rhode Island/Massachusetts/southern New Hampshire area! We have been so blessed by having amazing photographers document our engagement, wedding and life-after-wedding - I want to give back!How to enter:1. Like "Alicia Sturdy" on Facebook (*if you share the link to my blog you'll get an extra entry!*)2. Go to the "Say Hello" page on my website (www.aliciasturdy.com) and send me a note - Tell me about a special place you have with your significant other. A favorite restaurant? The shoreline? Central Park? Under the boardwalk (yea yea!)?3. Please be sure to include your location (there's a box for that!)All entries must be submitted by October 21st, 2012 at noon (eastern time). One entry will be selected from Connecticut, one entry will be selected from the other area's listed above.Winners announced on October 22nd!Session must be redeemed by January 31, 2013.*First photo- our wedding by Mallory Nelson - October 2008.*Second photo- our Goodbye Photoshoot with Erica Rose - June 2011.

What does it mean to really be fearless?Taylor Swift sings about it, Alton Brown declared Marti Duncan (season 8 FNS...yes, we're obsessed) - FEARLESS. But what happens after the jump? After we ARE fearless...does the fear go away?I have this need deep down to be fearless.About what, you might ask?Fearless about being myself.If you're a regular reader (all 10 of you), you can see a vein running through my previous blog posts, Who am I? What do I want to be? Who am I made me to become right now?I have been doing freelance graphic design here and there for the past 5 years - that's what my goal in college was to do. Don't ask me why I chose Graphic Design as a major (sorry mom!)...after a lot of thinking I have rested in the fact that God totally took control of my life and decisions and some how I decided I was going to study Art, not music (which had been my goal my whole life). So fast forward 9 years after that decision and I'm here, working in full time ministry doing a little design here and there at work and some freelance work.And I'm just done trying to do art "for the money".I want to do it for the love of art.I want to be fearless about who I am.About my art.Fearless about what others might think.Fearless about failure.Fearless about success.So after many quiet hours of thinking, discerning, talking it out with the Mr. and a few trusted sources I have decided to embark on something new.www.aliciasturdy.comThese are the gifts I was made to bring to the table right now in my creative expression. Please hear me, I'm not quitting my job or dropping everything to grab onto this dream. My life with remain normal (I am liking my life! There is nothing wrong with it!) except for the fact that I will be doing life with a camera in my hand. A rainy Saturday morning in your kitchen with your family will tell a story - so will a wedding, a baptism, a love story, a new baby - it will tell your story.If you feel you're jiving with me - spread the word. My friend has decided to live fearlessly. She wants to capture your life - all the nooks and crannies of it. She wants to start a fearless movement - be who you are in front of my camera, fearlessly.

Then there was silence.Silence to sit. Reflect. Hear God. Absorb the moment.To ask God, what do you want me to do.And He said, "Just be."Sit still. Listen. Rest. Reset. Realign. Stretch. Breathe.What if we just rested, absorbed the moment we are in and drink deep. It might be painful, it might be full of joy, it might be rejuvenating like the first drink of water after a long, exhausting run.And in the silence, peace. Whatever shape that comes in. Even if it doesn't look, feel, or sound like peace you're familiar with - rest.The more I seek you, the more I find youThe more I find you, the more I love you. What if peace is seeking you? What if you're running? What if when you stopped, just to be - you stopped long enough for peace to find you. Engulf you. Overcome you.We want to always be going, be doing,To the next thing, place, destination, job, thought, person. Stop seeking, and just Be. Just be who you are, what your are. You.Rest. Be.Stop. Listen.

For Andrew.For my family.For my friends.For my job.For my passions.For ideas.For moving.For being at a place to look back.For rest.For Grace.

I've recently started out on a journey called "7". 7 months, 7 areas of life to stop and take notice. An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess as the book title describes. I'm reading through this book with a group of women who are also taking time to stop and consider the same - we are all friend of a friend, facebook friend of friends - connected by the interwebs.Our first month to take stock of is food. If you know me, you know food is one of the moons that orbit my world very closely. I love to explore my kitchen, my town, and far away cities through food. It only makes sense that if I'm going to through myself into an all out "mutiny against excess" that Alicia Sturdy starts with food. I made a list of 7 areas of my life+food that I would eliminate and/or be intentional about.My first order of business is number 5: Eliminate Store Bought Bread. So last night I made some from scratch.I don't know if you've ever made bread from scratch...but it definitely takes time. And patience. And waiting. But when I took that first bite of toast this morning as I was (of course) rushing through my morning routine, this thought entered my mind:"It tastes like real bread."Have I been so rushed, so on the move that I haven't stopped to notice what bread tastes like? One thing I have been noticing has been slipping out of my daily life, is time. Time to take things slow. Time to sit and read a book. Time to sit down at the dining table to eat. Time to reflect & grow. I have been rushing, throwing things together, and leaving a messy wake as I go forward.And these six little ingredients, they are helped me stop, even for a second. To slow down. To savor.1/2 cup warm milk 1/4 cup warm water 2 1/2 tsp yeast 2 tsp sugar 2 cups flour 1 tsp salt

City love.In my About Me post, I mentioned I was soulfully born in 2003 - but I want you to know this has nothing to do with my relationship with the Lord, or Soul music. But it has everything to do with that first shift inside of learning more of who you are.My first city memory was when we were little, we use to drive through Chicago on our way to Florida for our family vacations. Sitting in traffic in the Loop on 90/94 I asked about the big buildings with all the windows busted out. My dad told me they were apartment buildings and that people lived in them, little kids like me (maybe I added that in my mind). I was mesmerized on so many levels - looking back I think that was my first interaction with urban poverty...right there from the comfort of my family vehical. I felt grateful that I did not live there.Fast forward 10 years - I am navigating for my mom as we are driving in downtown Chicago for the first time. I thought we had driven into a construction site (really - how would that happen?) but we were driving under the El on Lake Street. This is when I discovered my sense of city direction. I am reading street signs, navigating on that little map she gave me and we arrive at our hotel. We walked to get pizza after and I went to take pictures with my camera of the Chicago Theater. Looking back, my mom was terrified (maybe?) to be walking the streets of Chicago at dark, at 10pm. I don't remember being afraid - I was excited. I wanted to soak it all in. The lights at night, the people, the possibilities for adventures. I felt grateful that was going to live there.Over the next 8 years, I dove right in. And what I mean by dove in, I mean I dove "the exact same way a cartoon circus performer dives off a high platform and into a small cup of water, vanishing completely" (via). I took the el for fun, I would wander downtown for hours, I would get off at a random train stop and explore. I commuted to work on the El, the Clark bus, Lake Shore Drive. I trained for two marathons in our grid of a city, explored every combination of streets to run, parks to stop for a drink of water in, and Starbucks bathrooms. I was a nanny in my "gap summer" between college and "adult life" - I saw homes that you wouldn't believe. Wealth you wouldn't believe. Once I got my adult job, my office was in the John Hancock building. 9 months later, our new office space was ready for us and we moved to Cabrini-Green. Talk about seeing all aspects of the city. During my time there, my job was in Urban Outreach. I walked through Cabrini on my way to and from work, made friends with the people that crossed my paths. I worked with different non-profits for one project I had. I'd drive from Albany Park to Lincoln Park, to Garfield Park, to Little Village, to the South side. I learned the city - it's people, it's rhythm, it's smells. I felt grateful for my experiences there.Last June with all our belongings in a giant metal box, we got in our little Chicago-Craigslist car and drove to Connecticut. I strained to see the skyline in the rear view mirror as we sped down the Dan Ryan Expressway until all I could see was road behind us. We arrived in Connecticut on a Thursday night, and went out for Thai food. I felt disconnected inside, my power plug of energy - that rush I got from my constant urban exposure, was gone. The first day Andrew went to work I dropped him off and started driving towards the sign that said N.Y. City. It's almost as if the car drove itself, found free street parking, and ejected me right there on E. 73rd street. But this wasn't my city - this was a whole new ball game. Of fast driving taxis and crowds of tourists and a confusing subway system. A city grid that I didn't know. And yet I walked. Walked 30 blocks just soaking it in. I ate lunch by myself, with this giant goofy smile the whole time - practically jittery from my urban high like when you drink too much caffeine. But it didn't matter - I was there. Recharged. Ready to feed me again. Even now, a year later - every time we step out onto a city sidewalk for another journey in New York, my body relaxes, feels at peace. The honking cabs, the crowds of people, the smells; they almost envelop me like slipping into a bubble bath. Every time - I feel grateful.But now I see - it's not just Chicago. It's not just New York. It's what my soul has become because of these places. I have discovered this new season of life we are in has granted my 'city soul' a wonderful gift - the gift of finding "the love of place" all over again. The gift of understanding you learn to love a place by investing in it. The gift of seeing "city love" in any place, especially where I live right now. I feel grateful that God has brought me here.

I know I have been personal but not "up close" on this new blog. I have referenced people, situations and places loosely, but never named things specifically out loud.So maybe I need to write a little about myself, why I am blogging, and my hope for all this in the end.But let's take this slow.Today, I'll tell you about me.I am Alicia.Married to Andrew.Daughter of Michael & Kathy, Daughter in Love of Rob & Kim.Sister to Melissa+Kaylee & Kaitlyn+Christopher.Physically born in 1985 and raised in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (not to be confused with the Mitten portion of Michigan).Spiritually born again in December 2001.My citygirl soul was born in 2003 & raised in the great city of Chicago, Illinois.I am a city girl at heart.An external processor, ESFP and 7 on the enneagram.Have a Bachelors Degree in Art from North Park University.Art was not what I thought I would do.I play music, and thought I'd be a music teacher.But, deep down - I am just an artist of many mediums.I have been impacted and changed by the people in my life.My family. My friends from my hometown. My girlfriends from college, my family of friends I left behind in Chicago.I fell in love with Andrew after a long obedience.We met in a worship band at college, and led a missions trip together to the Dominican Republic.He didn't "like me back" at first.We started dating when he kissed me on the floor of my furniture-less apartment on the corner of Kedzie & Carmen (he decided he "liked me back" then).We fell in love in the city.Taking rides on the EL late at night.Stopping for Starbucks in Lincoln Square.Our not so real first date was at Tre Kroner one Wednesday morning for breakfast - it felt like half the school was there, staring at us.Our real first date we went to see the movie "Rent" - we were the only non same-sex couple in the theater.Three years later, he asked me to marry him on a rooftop in downtown Chicago.I worked at a church for 5 years in Chicago - one year doing Communications and four years in Urban & Global Outreach.He went straight from undergraduate studies to Seminary.We married in 2008 in the north shore of Chicago.We moved from Chicago in June 2011 for him to take a job in Connecticut.He's a youth pastor. I work for the regional office of our churches denomination.I am thankful God has placed me here.Boston to the East. The mountains to the North.The ocean to the South. New York City to the West.I am loud.Talkative.Have a strange draw to Marathon running.Live in a 175 year old house on a busy corner. It's bright yellow.Spontaneous.Gregarious.Love to entertain.Independent.Love to capture the moment.Always wanting to change the furniture around.

My husband is a movie lover. All things movies, he loves. He is even one of those people who goes to the movies by himself (I shouldn't make fun of him, I am one of those people who eats alone at a restaurant). One of the movies he loves (don't judge) is Just Friends with Ryan Reynolds. It. Is. Ridiculous. But - so quotable.One of my favorite, most quoted clips from the film is when Anna Faris sings a song called "Forgiveness". It's hilarious and just plain silly, but something about it today has one line stuck in my head.Forgiveness is more than saying sorry.I just came out a season that was hard on my soul. I felt I was wandering, reaching out to grasp whatever thought, idea, identity seemed to be "right", and ended up not lost, but wandering. As I move farther away from that time, and thankfully have had friends to ask me the right questions (at times hard questions) - I have done a myriad of things in the name of "forgiveness". I have confronted and emailed those who I have felt hurt by, those whom I've hurt, I have journaled letters never sent, I have asked God to please help me "get over" feeling the anger and frustration I had. But yet, at the end I still felt "wronged".How did I get here? And where is here? I hadn't really moved. I have gone through the steps, the motions of forgiveness. I was trying to fake it til I made it for crying out loud! Why was I still so angry?And then one Monday morning, I was talking on the phone to a dear friend who has walked along side me through this, and she said a simple statement - "I think you just need to forgive."Although she has said this to me 100s of times, I know the Lord put my heart in a place where I could truly hear it clearly. A place where I could understand forgiveness is more than an email, more than "still being right", more than feeling justified. Even now, my phone just lit up with a text message from a girl in our youth group at church. It was one of those chain text-message pictures people send around, but I couldn't see the picture clearly, only the word "Forgiveness" light up on the screen. The first thought flashed through my head, "WHO can see my computer?! That I'm about to write this!?" Nobody of course - but I'm going to take that as one more little sign from God that this truly is the right road to keep traveling. That I have truly forgiven not only in my head, but in my heart. And I need to continue doing that not just today, but every day.No matter the history, no matter the hurt. Without looking back, forgiveness means letting go. Giving it over. And moving forward.