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As you remember, a few months ago I did a workshop with Justin & Mary Marantz in New Haven - and one of the biggest things I walked away with wasn't beautiful photos, or the ability to keep my wits about me on a wedding day (I mean - I did learn those things too!), but it was something Mary said to me in the first 20 minutes of shooting. Forget expectations.

Funny she should say that as that was our theme for the year in 2011 - we were preparing to move to wherever God was calling Andrew in his ministry, and while we had both lived our entire lives in the Midwest we had to be realistic that God could call us to wherever He wanted. Thus - no expectations became our mantra. Having no expectations helped us go from frantic 'what-if-god-calls-us-to-the-middle-of-who-knows-where' to being able to truly center ourselves on the fact that when we have expectations, where are not having open eyes and ears to where we are being led in life.

So for Mary to say those two words to me as I am boiling over in frantic 'what-if-people-say-i-have-the-wrong-camera-wrong-lenses-wrong-website-or-don't-do-what-everyone-else-is-doing" jabber, all I could think was "are you kidding me?".

Maybe God sends us reoccuring messages in different ways so we can be reminded that He created us individually. That He created us with gifts and abilities different from each other. So that we listen and watch closely for those moments where He is especially talking to us. So that we aren't looking at what others have, what paths others are walking and think that there is a one size fits all standard to life.

Maybe you need to hear this today too - to leave your expectations of what things should be and accept them as they are. That things as they are might be better than what you expected.

I know I have been personal but not "up close" on this new blog. I have referenced people, situations and places loosely, but never named things specifically out loud.So maybe I need to write a little about myself, why I am blogging, and my hope for all this in the end.But let's take this slow.Today, I'll tell you about me.I am Alicia.Married to Andrew.Daughter of Michael & Kathy, Daughter in Love of Rob & Kim.Sister to Melissa+Kaylee & Kaitlyn+Christopher.Physically born in 1985 and raised in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (not to be confused with the Mitten portion of Michigan).Spiritually born again in December 2001.My citygirl soul was born in 2003 & raised in the great city of Chicago, Illinois.I am a city girl at heart.An external processor, ESFP and 7 on the enneagram.Have a Bachelors Degree in Art from North Park University.Art was not what I thought I would do.I play music, and thought I'd be a music teacher.But, deep down - I am just an artist of many mediums.I have been impacted and changed by the people in my life.My family. My friends from my hometown. My girlfriends from college, my family of friends I left behind in Chicago.I fell in love with Andrew after a long obedience.We met in a worship band at college, and led a missions trip together to the Dominican Republic.He didn't "like me back" at first.We started dating when he kissed me on the floor of my furniture-less apartment on the corner of Kedzie & Carmen (he decided he "liked me back" then).We fell in love in the city.Taking rides on the EL late at night.Stopping for Starbucks in Lincoln Square.Our not so real first date was at Tre Kroner one Wednesday morning for breakfast - it felt like half the school was there, staring at us.Our real first date we went to see the movie "Rent" - we were the only non same-sex couple in the theater.Three years later, he asked me to marry him on a rooftop in downtown Chicago.I worked at a church for 5 years in Chicago - one year doing Communications and four years in Urban & Global Outreach.He went straight from undergraduate studies to Seminary.We married in 2008 in the north shore of Chicago.We moved from Chicago in June 2011 for him to take a job in Connecticut.He's a youth pastor. I work for the regional office of our churches denomination.I am thankful God has placed me here.Boston to the East. The mountains to the North.The ocean to the South. New York City to the West.I am loud.Talkative.Have a strange draw to Marathon running.Live in a 175 year old house on a busy corner. It's bright yellow.Spontaneous.Gregarious.Love to entertain.Independent.Love to capture the moment.Always wanting to change the furniture around.

My husband is a movie lover. All things movies, he loves. He is even one of those people who goes to the movies by himself (I shouldn't make fun of him, I am one of those people who eats alone at a restaurant). One of the movies he loves (don't judge) is Just Friends with Ryan Reynolds. It. Is. Ridiculous. But - so quotable.One of my favorite, most quoted clips from the film is when Anna Faris sings a song called "Forgiveness". It's hilarious and just plain silly, but something about it today has one line stuck in my head.Forgiveness is more than saying sorry.I just came out a season that was hard on my soul. I felt I was wandering, reaching out to grasp whatever thought, idea, identity seemed to be "right", and ended up not lost, but wandering. As I move farther away from that time, and thankfully have had friends to ask me the right questions (at times hard questions) - I have done a myriad of things in the name of "forgiveness". I have confronted and emailed those who I have felt hurt by, those whom I've hurt, I have journaled letters never sent, I have asked God to please help me "get over" feeling the anger and frustration I had. But yet, at the end I still felt "wronged".How did I get here? And where is here? I hadn't really moved. I have gone through the steps, the motions of forgiveness. I was trying to fake it til I made it for crying out loud! Why was I still so angry?And then one Monday morning, I was talking on the phone to a dear friend who has walked along side me through this, and she said a simple statement - "I think you just need to forgive."Although she has said this to me 100s of times, I know the Lord put my heart in a place where I could truly hear it clearly. A place where I could understand forgiveness is more than an email, more than "still being right", more than feeling justified. Even now, my phone just lit up with a text message from a girl in our youth group at church. It was one of those chain text-message pictures people send around, but I couldn't see the picture clearly, only the word "Forgiveness" light up on the screen. The first thought flashed through my head, "WHO can see my computer?! That I'm about to write this!?" Nobody of course - but I'm going to take that as one more little sign from God that this truly is the right road to keep traveling. That I have truly forgiven not only in my head, but in my heart. And I need to continue doing that not just today, but every day.No matter the history, no matter the hurt. Without looking back, forgiveness means letting go. Giving it over. And moving forward.

The other day I was walking home from the gym and was thinking about the timing of everything. Our next Call, when people die, when babies are born, when our babies will be born. What if the time isn't right? I found myself making a deal with God;"Ok God, how about when I loose 30 pounds and we have money to move into a house, then we can have a baby?" or "Ok God, I'd be okay having a baby next summer. After the marathon." or "Ok God, we can move to X city once we're done with Y."I felt God say "Yep, okay. You know I already know when 'that' time is. I made it that way."I felt silly.Of course God knows. He knows. Just because he does. And He lets me think me in my tiny little world down here, I have control over it. But gently reminds me that I don't.Timing has always been a fear factor in my life - what if it's not the right time to buy this? To go on this trip? To make this huge decision? The saving Grace to my anxious flippity flop of a mind is that GOD orchestrates the timing. He has the big picture.The most moving image I always find rest in is that of a tapestry weaver and overseer in a sermon I heard a while back. As the overseer is calling out the orders to progress on the weaving of this intricate tapestry, one of the weavers makes a mistake. He stops to apologize but the overseer says to keep going. As the tapestry is nearing completion, the weaver is getting more and more upset about his mistake. Now this piece, which was suppose to be beautiful, intricate, orderly, and cohesively designed - will be ruined with the flaw of the glaring mistake he has made. As the tapestry is finished, the weaver takes a step back to the overseer's perspective - and he cannot believe his eyes. The overseer, who had full perspective the whole time, has taken the mistake in the weaving and made it the centerpiece of the tapestries design - its result is more beautiful than the original. What was thought to be an error in the work flow has now made this tapestry turn out to be grander than it's original design.We cannot see the timing - the beauty that God is weaving in the tapestry of our life We are working so close, so focused in the threads that we forget that we do not see God taking our mistakes, taking our choices, and making them into something we could have never dreamed it could be.

I frequently find myself thinking this exact phrase over and over. "I want to be so many things".

In my lifetime, I have probably dreamed that I could be at least 100 professions. Oh ya, here are just a few. Starting from the beginning but in no real order.

Teacher. Ballerina. Book Store Owner. Librarian. Writer. Basketball Player. 4th grade teacher. Music Teacher. Art Teacher. Band Director. Choral Director. Singer. Graphic Designer. Corporate Graphic Designer. Freelance Graphic Designer. Graphic Designer at a Missions Agency. Youth Pastor. Worship Director. Professional Counselor. Photographer. Artist. Art Historian. Art Gallery Curator. Hair Stylist. Professional Blogger. Etsy Shop Owner (yes full time, yes I have thought this). Mom. Missionary. Customer Service. (Ya, not sure where that one came from.) Outreach Coordinator. Church Communications Director. Paperstore Owner. Stationary designer. Professional Pinterester. *Don't we all? Chef. A real one. Bakery Owner. Ice Cream shop owner. (with my sister, Kaylee) Really good home cook. Food Blogger.

Ya some are very specific (Etsy Shop Owner? Seriously?) and some are pretty broad (Graphic Designer...technically I could be an "Etsy Shop Owner" and an "Artist" and a "Paperstore Owner" and still be just called a Graphic Designer). Sometimes my head just begins to race with thoughts, I want to be so many things! I want to do so many things! And of course, I want to be good at them. I just don't want to "do" these things, I want to do them well. And I want everyone to know, that I "do" "this" well.

Shauna Neiquest posted this the other day and I felt one stanza sting deep.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Ouch. She's so right. Right now, my job is Office Manager to East Coast Conference (of the Evangelical Covenant Church, too long to say, but it has to be said for some people who don't know what "East Coast Conference" is). Ya, not a very glamourous job description. Not as good sounding as "Director of X" or "CEO of Y"...but the line "however humble" brings me back down to it doesn't matter what I call what I do.

I'm in the business of God's Business - Knowing & Loving People. No, I'm not a pastor giving much needed wisdom or some profound blogger (well, this is a blog; and this thought might be profound?) but I feel called to people. However Humble a profession I find myself in. I'm in the business of People. And how God does his business with people? Love.