My grandma with Stella.

Authors note: Mom, this is going to make you cry. Love, me

A shoebox sat on the coffee table under the window in my grandma's living room. I eyed it as I settled into the green brocade rocking chair that my grandpa always used to sit in. Ever since I can remember, my routine when coming to my grandmas was one of a few things. 1. playing outside in the woods, 2. climbing trees in the apple orchard chasing the cats that had climbed them to get away from me and my two sisters, 3. watching movies and sneaking into her big chest freezer to nab her Schwan's Golden Nugget bars or 4. pouring over boxes of old yearbooks & photographs.

This box I had never seen before, which made me happy. Happy doesn't even describe it. I was excited beyond the word, trying not to voraciously dump out the box to start from the bottom.

In the end, two and a half hours later, I got half way through the box. It's contents? Photographs I had never seen before in my life...important ones - like pictures of my mom as an infant, silly snapshots of my grandma in a giant set of pajamas at work with one of her coworkers...one of them in each leg and arm, and portraits of her great grandparents, mounted on thick paper and embossed with the studio and photographers name from back in Glasgow, Scotland.

My grandma has a hard time walking, she usually stays put in her rocker while we visit. But with each picture I inquired about, she almost leaped up out of her chair to get a closer look. She ended up sitting on the coffee table, laughing away her aches and pains as she diligently told me stories from beyond the frame. "This is me with my niece in Detroit, and just beyond the frame to the left is the steel mill in our town..." her voice trailed off as I realized this is where I inherited my photographic memory for detail (I'm that phone-a-friend for the details that you just can't quite remember).

This feeling in my chest started to rise and I felt myself getting emotional. This is why we take photographs. To sit for hours, pouring over an old shoe box full of photographs that can instantly come to life. Photographs are a key...to a locked door of our stories buried deep within our hearts and minds.

We are trusted with great responsibility - a library of the unwritten stories of our life. How will we get these stories out, into the light where they belong? I keep thinking about our senses...sight, sound, taste, and smell. Each is a road that we can journey to places sometimes forgotten until triggered by our senses. Even that day at my grandma's when I got out of the car, the smell of the wet grass and trees brought back a wave of nostalgia...of hours spent outside at my grandmas. And while I did say "I wish they made a candle that smelled like this!", all I can do is take that moment captive, and tie it to the memory of the afternoon spent with my grandma, that penned the stories of my mother, my grandmother, and beyond on the pages of my heart.

My grandma is the little girl on the left.

This week is ending in a way that none of us thought was really possible...I don't think any of us truly believed it would happen the way the cards have fallen. And I know you might be freaking out. I know that earlier this week, it may have seemed like there was no end. You might have been hung over emotionally (or literally)...you might have felt helpless, hopeless, anything but light-filled.

But today...I hope you can look in the mirror and see a new day. A brighter day. A day that may or may not be perfect, but gosh darn it we want to find the goodness. I don't want to take my life for granted, and neither do you. That's no way to live.

Step into the light, dear friend. Let it wash over you and bask it it's rays. Eyes closed...let's dream. Dream of a world where we invite joy in regardless of who the president is, what our job titles are, what size we are, or the number on the scale. That doesn't mean we can ignore the darkness - it means maybe we can be a change. A spark that starts a fire to light up the room.

Open your palms and Breathe - "I will invite joy into my life regardless of its circumstances. I will let the light of the sun wash over me and remind me that He is still good even when the world is not. And I will let this light energize me. Power my batteries. To do the work that I need to do in these days that seem so helpless for my brothers, sisters, and sometimes myself."

We know that each day, these words will not ring true with the same power they may today. They may fall flat. They may seem hopeless. But these are the building blocks of light making. Joy ushering. Peace rumbling.

I want to build a legacy that always invited joy into the middle of my circumstances even when life doesn't seem good. To draw near to that light that is brighter on days when it's not. And to set example for the world around me that we can do this better together.

hedberg-walk-into-the-light-hither-and-hold-111016

Up until the other day, all the frames that hung above my desk were empty. They were still filled with the stock photo that they came with...and the quote on all 4 of them said "Art Enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time". Lost and found. The dichotomy of loss and gain is the balance that life needs. Without it we are too much or not enough.

But to loose ourself or be open hearted to any new idea...there is a small grief. Grief of a beloved idea, grief of new curiosities pursuing us. Both gain & loss requires bravery. And trust. And determination. In that we find equilibrium.

My work has come from both gain and loss in the past 12 months.

12 months ago I thought my calling was to tell City Stories. Plain and simple. Stories of skylines and the people who lived in them. Born from a love developed for a place, and it became stale in my attempts to make it happen.

And as I dug to create from a place of pure sincerity, I found city stories to be the part of art i needed to lose. And that was hard. To loosen myself from this idea that had been at the heart of so much of my drive and my story.

But art, as art can do, helped me find myself again. At a deeper place. A more honest and open place.

Because while my calling as a photographer is to marriage, the deepest level of my call is to story.

Hither & Hold. Alicia Sturdy. Whatever I create on a page or with a photograph. It's not about marriage. It's not about weddings. It's not about websites. It's not about logos. It's not about the frames. It's not about the albums. It's not about iMacs and watercolors.

It's about the story. The journey.

It's a spark...whatever that may be. A vow, a loss, a gain, an inspiration. That creates more than just a flash of light that burns out faster than it was created, it's a flame. That when coaxed burns brighter than in those first moments of inception.

The fan to the flame is remembering the story. To believe that each moment in the story shapes who we are and that it's worthy to be called attention to.

The darkest moments, the brightest days.

This Altar, this act that ensures we will remember the pain or joy or sorrow or goodness of that moment - create threads of in your life...your journey...that weave together to create the testimony to whatever the altar holds.

Alicia Sturdy and Andrew Sturdy #TBT Black and White Snapshot

Do you print your pictures? Confession, I don’t. Lame, right? Skimming through the contents of my external hard drive, I came across this photo of Andrew and I. Chances are my grandchildren will not be cruising my Instagram feed in 25 years and see this picture. They will not pull out my external hard drive and dig through all the mislabeled files. Printing this picture, I can give them something real. Sure, it’s a snapshot. I’m sure the photos that will get handed down to them will be of more importance - our wedding photo, other important life events. But what they won’t see if this lives on my hard drive, is the everyday us. The us that isn’t perfectly made-up or in our Sunday best. The us they will miss is the real us. And that actually is the one I want them to know the most.

I keep forgetting that Christmas is next week...NEXT WEEK! Friday! I know today is Tuesday, and technically Christmas is 10 days away, not a week. But you know how the week of Christmas goes...last minute shopping, Christmas cards, decorating, grocery shopping, cleaning. I am already feeling a tiny pinch of anxiety about cleaning my house (right after my family was here this past weekend, and my inlaws were here for Thanksgiving!). And I think it's easy to lean into the holidays to avoid the new year coming. I want to savor Christmas and Advent as a time of peace and anticipation and then suddenly the new year comes barreling through the door and I'm suddenly thinking about what I did wrong in the past year that I don't want to repeat in the next. Something that has been tapping me on the shoulder quite a bit these days is the thought of 'gratitude'. Two women I love to follow online, Lara Casey & Sue Bryce, are gratitude champions (in my humble opinion). They both use gratitude as a tool in their life in businesses that makes me want what they have (and I don't think of this as coveting because I know I can have gratitude as well!).

Quote by Melody Beattie: "Gratitude turns what we have into Enough" | #HITHERandHOLD - Alicia Sturdy

Click here to download this iPhone background

Today I'm going to make a list of all the things I'm grateful for in my life. Because instead of thinking of all the things I don't have, I want to focus on the things I do.

1. A relationship with Jesus

2. Clean water

3. Healthy food (thinking about that bunch of kale in my fridge!)

4. Stella

5. Andrew

6. Mom

7. Dad

8. Melissa

9. Kaylee

10. Kace

11. Kim

12. Rob

13. Katilyn

14. Christopher

15. That we moved this year so close to family that we have seen them all more in the past 30 days than we did the 4 years we were in Connecticut

16. Our house that fell into our laps and is perfect for us in so many ways

17. A healthy, encouraging and loving Church

18. Andrew's co-workers

19. A business that allows me to stay home

20. Work that lets me be who I am

21. A past that, while at times has been hard, has blessed us in ways we never could have imaged

22. Socks (my feet are so cold right now!)

23. A car that works

24. A neighborhood that is safe, beautiful, and again...perfect for us

25. A washing machine (uhh...we were laundromat people for 2 years...)

26. My computer

27. My camera

28. The opportunity to attend two conferences this year

29. Friends from all areas of my life that I am still in contact with and love me for who I am

30. A driveway

31. Living near the lake

32. My hobby of cooking, I love doing it and it provides joy and...well, dinner, for my family

33. For failures this year

34. For successes this year

35. My old jobs that have provided for me and pushed me to become who I am

Making a list of things I'm grateful for...overall and from the past year...helps me remember the goodness in my life. What are you grateful for this year? Share it in the comments below, I'd love to make this post all about celebrating blessings and goodness beyond just myself.

PS: If you're making your list, and have a tug at your heart to hold on to the goodness this year as brought, let me help you make an altar to remember. My Hither & Hold portrait sessions are designed specifically to capture the power of these moment and gives you the gift of treasuring all those things within the beauty of a photograph. Bookings are available for 2016, visit my website for all the information!

2015-12-10 07.56.32

PPS: Here is a moment from this past weekend I'm grateful for...the sweetness of Stella's spirit (now that's alliteration!)

I think everyone is familiar with the feeling of longing. That fire in our bellies that isn't burning at full blast, but is a slowly stoked flame that drives us either into desperation or despair. I don't know what direction this longing is telling me to do - but I do know that it told me to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys!) and talk about it.

Last week I planned out my blog. I created this whole big spreadsheet...which is huge for me because I don't like spreadsheets and I am the biggest ENFP/enneagram7/type B personality you could ever find. I have other tools in my business that help me organize, but spreadsheets really are not one of them.

So this spreadsheet tells me what I am to write every Tuesday and Thursday. And I planned out the topics until the end of February (because really who wants to write about something in August that you thought up in December). I do this for consistency, I do this for accountability, I do this for my own scatterbrain.

But one thing I can't help but shake is just letting this scatterbrain let her do her scattered thing. To give her space to write what is on her heart...and I think I'll let her do just that.

Monday - a day I'm 'not suppose to write'...I am slated to work on a logo project, a Showit Design, and brainstorm some marketing ideas. But I found myself thrown off track (it involved a spilled glass of milk, a spoiled almond milk smoothie, and ended in bacon and eggs that could make any wrong day right). My journal at my side, and my "Write the Word" journal (get one here, it has changed my life) open - I found myself with a feeling of longing. Of what, I'm not sure...but it involved God.

I hesitate to talk about God sometimes because I don't want to push people away. I don't want you to judge me...for how spiritual or unspiritual I am. But I can't help it. I have to talk about this part of myself that is feeding this fire in my belly.

I flipped up a few of my favorite blogs that always give me a little boost in terms of my spirituality. Encouragement to listen smaller or harder...peace that I am not alone in this pursuit. But I couldn't find any of those same whispers or voices that give me that God Boost.

And it made me think...I want to know what you're longing for. I want to know what fire is in YOUR belly. Is it a baby, a new house, a new job, time alone, time together? What is it?

Because when we are open hearted and honest about things sometimes, that open door lets healing in. It makes things happen. When you send that longing out into the universe, it lets relief in.

What are you longing for?

Sunday we decorated for Christmas. We have lived in four different places in the past 5 years (wow...I never thought about that until now!) so each apartment had a specific place where all the Christmas stuff went. In our first apartment in grad school, our 800~ square foot apartment meant our tiny tree seemed enormous and Christmas exploded onto every ledge and shelf we had available. Our cute little yellow house in Middletown was built in the 1830's - so we had a beautiful old fireplace and a cozy nook for our tree to go in (the first and only year we've had a REAL tree!). The open, airy place we had in Hartford had 15 windows throughout the apartment - so we put a candle in each (and had to go to 3 different Targets to find the $1 battery operated candlesticks because BOY is that an investment otherwise!). And now our cozy cape in Racine...with the green walls that give it an instant Christmas vibe and the window box in the front that Stella likes to climb up on and play with said candles in the window (also our first Christmas with a 1.5 year old...oy). But as I was determining the best place for our 'heirloom' Christmas tomte collection to go (up high on the fireplace...see note about the 1.5 year old) - had a thought. From the northside of Chicago to the rolling hills of Connecticut, to the lakeshore in Racine - as long as Andrew is here...I'm home.

Alicia-and-andrew-sturdy-christmas-best-friend-hats-target

Within my new brand, is a phrase 'Hither & Hold'. The word 'hither' means 'to or towards this place'. The minute I read it, I knew it was meant to be mine.

Because even though #tbt comes and goes every week (and may seem like a weird internet fad)...we look back to hold those moments a little closer. We look back on those photographs to remember that time, that moment, that place. To feel that spark once again. The spark that makes our souls long for that connection once more.

So where do you hither? What do you want to hold? Let's start a Hither & Hold movement. Deeper than Thursday...deeper than where we've been before. Today, my place I want to #hitherandhold is this photo. To us two, on a cold December day. In that season of life that holds so much sweetness in our marriage. That is where I want to hither, and what I want to hold.

The internet is a strange place. It's a place where you can seemingly find out anything about anyone. Anything, but really sometimes nothing. The internet is a place where you can seemly get to know someone, feel like their best friend, like you know them already without even talking face to face.

I don't know what you know about me, but let's consider this our first introduction.

Hi! I'm Alicia.

10628494_761253031337_1577218969806046367_n

I could go on and tell you a lot of different things about me. That I'm an artist, that I'm a mom, that I'm a wife and daughter. That I could eat pizza every day (and attempted to during my 9 months of pregnancy). That I absolutely adore fizzy drinks of any kind - my two favorites being seltzer and champagne. That I love personality tests, in particular the enneagram (7 here!) and the myers briggs is growing on me (ESFP). That I drink more than 3 cups of coffee before noon, and think about what I'm having for dinner by the middle of breakfast.

But you really wouldn't know me. You would know me...but really, you don't know me. So here are a few things...my secrets and beliefs....take them or leave them.

I believe street traffic is the soundtrack of a city, listening to the honking horns and people out all hours of the night as I go to sleep is like being lulled by the city’s heartbeat.

I watch my wedding video every year on our anniversary.

I believe in raising my children be cultured; because my idea of motherhood includes weekly sushi dates with my daughter.

I know my kryptonite in cleaning is boxes of photographs; once I start walking down memory lane it’s hard for me to stop.

I wear sunglasses when I'm on the subway; it the way I can be with nobody while being surrounded by everybody.

I secretly love that my husband and I have an unwritten rule that whoever cooks doesn't have to do the dishes. I always cook.

I believe christmas doesn’t start until your first Starbucks holiday drink; in college every Christmas my girlfriends and I hold off on our holiday drinks until we celebrate ‘Evergreen Saturday’ - gingerbread latte's at Starbucks, the lighting parade down Michigan Avenue, and our yearly pilgrimage through the closed off streets to Potbellys on State & Lake.

I believe the best piece of jewelry is the one passed down at least two generations.

I have a bon vivant spirit when it comes to eating out.

I think the best friends are the ones you laugh so hard you cry with.

I am really sentimental about the chapter of life I lived in Chicago - but that doesn't mean I don't love the chapter I'm living in right now.

I believe the best peace & quiet is found in the middle of a crowded coffee shop; the anonymity brings the best silence.

I own six seasons of Ina Garten's show The Barefoot Contessa...and watch them before I go to bed.

I have been known to not think twice about suggesting after dinner cupcakes and coffee in NYC...we lived two hours away and did this A LOT.

I love having a pot of coffee on all day.

I am, at my very core, a sentimental, nostalgic sap.

I believe life is too short not to surround yourself with happy people.

I totally think pearls are better than diamonds.

I believe in long layovers, its my best excuse to spend the afternoon in the Sky Lounge.

I love Spotify am a music junkie, and I have VERY eclectic taste...my favorite playlist right now is my "ME" list.

I sing and dance when I'm alone...the last song I wanted to get up and all out dance party solo on? Cosmic Girl by Jamiroquai.

I think a healthy happy hour rotation is the best excuse for date night 5 nights a week.

I believe in taking the expressway during rush hour, because there is no better view than the skyline when you’re stuck in traffic.

I can't stand waiting a whole week for the next episode of something so I wait a whole year until it comes out all together on iTunes so I can binge watch it in a week.

I hate planning things out. If you want to get us on your calendar, ask me the day before.

I love long walks down bustling streets like Michigan Avenue, State Street, 5th Avenue or Broadway - there is something just so therapeutic about pounding out the pavement, window shopping, and absorbing the energy of the city.

I like to say it's our anniversary when taking 6am flights with the hope of scoring free mimosas when the drink cart comes by.

I love my smile. Honest! I got made fun of so much for my squinty eyed smile growing up...but it just makes me want to smile even more.

I look at photos on my iPhone every day...I want to relive the memories I've captured through those little windows to the past. My favorite app? TIMEHOP.

I think no matter how hard city life can be - with every broken car window, parking ticket, and traffic jam - that a breathtaking view of a sparkling skyline makes all the hard parts fade away.

I'm tempted to tie this up into a nice bow. Blah blah blah something nice and flowery but you know what? This is me. Take it or leave it.

I sat at my computer with this churning in my chest. It was late, 11 o'clock - and I still come home from work. I sat there - confronted by time. Being forced to acknowledge that I am in fact, growing old. (Don't worry, I haven't started using night creme yet...)

This is how it went down. I was working late at the office, and was listening to a power mix on Spotify when one of my favorite songs came on. As I typed away, the song ended and I felt the need to rewind and listen again. I found myself singing along, I do that when I'm in the office alone. Oh, but this time I felt myself really listening to the words - the words, 'while our bloods still young, so young it runs'. And in that moment, I felt differently about that line than I ever had.

In the past, when jamming (yep) out to this song - I identified with it. I felt it was about me. I felt I was singing about our blood - being so young it runs. But just now, I felt like that season was gone.

And I felt the need to write a letter. To this girl.

Dear you, you'll never know

A letter reminding her she can always find her way back home. She can always find comfort in his arms. That even though his arms change, they always stay the same.

That her heart will get ripped out and put back in by things she didn't expect. That she'll be forced to confront the person she feels she is, and the person she wants to be. Needs to be. Is told to be.

But no matter who she becomes, she'll always be able to find her way back home. She can always find the girl she once was, that the boy she still loves - here.

IMG_5527

and here.

View More: http://lizandryan.pass.us/lifeescape

and here.

242751_560575550617_230926_o

And every time she looks there...she'll find

A moment of love A dream A laugh A kiss A cry Our rights Our wrongs

Oh, girl, stay there

It won't stop til it's over.

While your blood's still young It's so young, it runs Don't stop 'til it's over Don't stop to surrender to everything on your shoulders today.

That moment lives in these frames. Keep them. Cherish them. Use them to know who you are, and who you've become came from here.

A few months ago, Andrew and I went on our 'last childless vacation' and we chose to do the Amazing Life Together Getaway in Maine! I could go on and on and on about how much that week refreshed our marriage, refreshed my soul before baby, and how much fun we had with all the other couples who were there. But even months after, there is still one part of the getaway that I think about DAILY - and that's the Rules to Escape Life Together.

Rules to Live By, Alicia Sturdy Photography | Amazing Life Together | Rules to Escape By | www.amazinglifetogether.com

You can read all about Liz & Ryan's Rules to Escape by on their blog, but my favorite is 'say YES'. So many times Andrew asks me to do something for him, and my first inclination is to say "in just a minute" and then 20 minutes later actually do it. But thank sweet Jesus that Andrew does not give me the same treatment in return - almost every time I am feeding Stella I have a million requests for Andrew (i.e. I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, bring me the cheezits, can you get me the remote, can you hand me that book, can you put my slippers on my feet). I may sound like a super needy person in all those examples, but he ALWAYS says yes and never complains, never hesitates. People, he even will hold my cup with a straw in it down to me so I can get a drink (ok I'm about to get real honest and REAL LIFE with the explanation for this, feeding a baby and pumping at the same time leaves NO extra hands - I'm not just a princess who needs my husband to hold a cup of water for me!).

I was amazed by these simple rules payback when you actually put them into practice (imagine that!). And I would LOVE to hear about you trying them out as well! Put one or two into practice this next week as a little experiment oh my you will see a harvest of love in return!

I'll be choosing "Share Positivity" and "Kiss Each Other" because a) we're traveling next week and sometimes positivity and traveling DO NOT happen organically, and b) sometimes I am over sensitive about making people uncomfortable with public displays of affection, and then I never really get kissy in general! I'm going to be reporting back on Instagram next week - follow me at @aliciasturdy to get in on the love and exclusive Instagram only surprises for the new brand launch!

A question I get asked all the time is, what is it about the city you and Andrew love so much?

10355701_738233702257_1178319203037477716_o

Well, for starters - I am a very nostalgic hearted person, so the fact that Andrew and I lived the first 6 years of our life together there - it's comfortable for us. It just seems like the background our life should be lived on.

We both love the diversity that a city brings - the fact that you can find food, businesses and people from all walks of life within a few blocks of our house brings excitement to us. We love that we can enjoy city life at any time day or night - whether it's stopping by our favorite coffee shop that opens up at 6am when we head out for a morning stroll, or heading out for a late night dessert at our favorite restaurant (and we still have been known to do that with Miss Stella since she's quite the night owl and loves to sleep in!).

Boil it down, we just love to spend time together. And city living provides a million bajillion things we can do together, whether we're participating as part of our community life, or feeling completely anonymous on a walk together in a place we've never been before.

But seriously - I just love to know what other people love about living together in the city. Is it dinner alfresco at your favorite restaurant, an afternoon in any of our parks that become a mini oasis' in between skyscrapers and traffic jams, or the community that IS your apartment building - what is your city love?

616216_624678916957_88273535_o

10321728_738234156347_89223540037905694_o

614689_624675823157_1249370088_o

463930_624675768267_279424433_o

Share with us what your favorite thing to do together in the city with your partner , write it in the comments below, and we'll throw your name in a hat for a $10 Starbucks giftcard to enjoy a drink with your city love! GO!

City Story Chicago North Park University Vintage Photograph Sturdy

In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like me. - Maya Angelou

Today in the car I was listening to NPR, and they quoted a remark that Ms. Angelou said about when people pass away. That when a person dies, a library of unwritten stories goes with them. I know this all too well as Andrew's Grandma Kathy passed away earlier this month. Andrews Aunt Sandy had created a slideshow of photographs from Kathy's life. The day after the burial and service, we all sat in Auntie Bonnie's living room, pausing each photograph on the slideshow to hear the story behind it. This photograph, taken while Andrew's grandparents were at North Park (where we both also attended university) - is stunning. My favorite. Pulls at so many heart strings for me - Chicago, soulmates, connection, love. I only wish I knew the story of this photograph, but for the mean time I will have to assume my own.

And while I wish I could have known Kathy longer, before her Alzheimers took her stories with her slowly, I know in my soul that our family will cherish all the photographs that we have of Kathy and and my husbands beloved grandpa, Dick. And now, it's our job to write the volumes of our families legacy alongside each image captured for our children to know and love us through when we're gone. And then I'm reminded.

This is the story I want to tell in every photograph I take - romance, nostalgia, and connection.

It's only fitting that Ms Angelou's words found me earlier this week, as she passed away yesterday. At times when I'm inspired by a verse I find, I often create a little piece of art to float out into the universe that is Instagram or use as my phone background. If you'd like to share in the art with me, give me a follow at @aliciasturdy.

We had nothing, we had not much. We had enough, we had everything. This was, our city story. - Rob Ryan

20. The year I met you. I had already fallen in love with those tall buildings, sparkling skyline, and had officially had my heart stolen by our city. It really hadn't taken that long (two years) for the city love to take hold. It seemed like every El stop, I had written my own little love story with that part of the city. Diversey. Chicago. Wabash. All mine with secrets and places where my heart could rest in the beat of the city.

That anonymous peace found at that crowded coffee shop on Madison. Miles of pavement walked to pound out ideas, thoughts, and dreams up Michigan. A sparkling skyline view between Armitage & Sedgwick that always swept me off my feet for the city.

But the stop you became my city story on was Western.

That first time, your hand in mine as the snow fell in the streetlight. We had nothing, just a couple of dollars for coffee & our el fare. But we had enough, we had everything.

And now you were my city story.

My darling little bird, Stella; Even though February is the shortest month, your arrival and all consuming love in our life have made it go by even faster. Every Tuesday evening as we've cuddled up in our cozy living room, each glance at the clock has brought back thoughts from the day you were born.  Although I knew you in a different way from 9 months of us sharing a body, your entire labor - all 37 hours - has given me even more of an understanding of you - before I even knew you were our Stella.

From those hours of pacing the halls at the hospital - 11pm, 2am, 4am, 6am. When would you come, why were you taking your time? Did you understand the doctors might make you come out before you were ready? But you kept your cool each time they checked you - a steady beat that only varied slightly at each check. You were fine. You were doing things in your own way. We've come to know even more, that's just who you are.

You'll learn soon that I love to tell stories. And I love to tell them though photographs. I love to relive the stories of our family almost every day, flipping through the photos on my phone. And the past month all I can consume beyond just being with you is photos of you. Even when you're in the room (which I know is so weird). This is the language that I speak - a way I can begin to grasp at a tangible way to be able to tell you how much I love you, your dad, our life together. And someday I hope you'll be able to understand a deeper part of how I love you when you look at images like this.

And this.

And this.

And this.

I love you sweet girl. One month of every second of every day has already been not enough time with you. Here is to one thousand more.

 Photos by my amazingly sweet friend (who yes, stayed up all night with us) Alicia Ann Photographers - http://aliciaannphotographers.com/

20140105-041326.jpg

I was thinking the other day - I haven't talked much about the photo above. In fact, I've been on quite a hiatus from the blogging world.

I'll talk more about all the other things I've been doing with Alicia Sturdy, getting is ready for a new skin and the progress I've made this year. But in terms of 'non photo related blog breaks' - this one takes the cake.

The weekend before this photo I had just second shot a gorgeous wedding with the fab Justin & Mary, moved into our dream apartment, and was on my way to shoot another beautiful wedding in New Haven when it was almost like my brain stopped dead in it's tracks. You know how the story goes - a missed date on the calendar, excuses that it could be XY or Z - and that box collecting dust under your bathroom sink. All seems innocent enough until two little lines show up instead of one and it's like the sound of an atom bomb going off.

I immediately ran into the living room where Andrew was sitting in the one chair we had set up in front of the TV (and for subsequent weeks, due to morning sickness - our living room looked like we were living in a storage unit).

"Oh I'm sure it's a false positive" he reassured me, Mr. Half-Glass-Full. "Just take another one in the morning, I'm sure it'll be fine".

Ya. Right. I marched to the back of the house to seem like I was distracting myself 'unpacking' when really I was tearing open another one of those little sticks, sitting, and praying. 'God - whatever you have laid before me I'm ready to walk' - 'No seriously, God, this can't be right, right?' My little brain argued back and forth as it came out from it's daze.

20 minutes later I emerged from the bathroom in tears with the second test. Positive. Andrew hugged me and could have, I think, flown to the moon and back he was so happy. I'm pretty sure we have a photo of us somewhere - mascara dripped cheeks on me and the goofiest happiest smile on him.

Don't get me wrong. Please hear me. I feel like one of those yellow "ATTENTION" cones should be posted before you get all 'shame on you - a baby is a blessing' on me.

I was thrilled, somewhere inside. Elated. Wide eyed in anticipation, excitement, and butterflies from the first second.

But also truly terrified. And here is why.

My mind first went to my friends. For some reason, I have many friends walking the infertility path right now. I immediately imagined daggers beaming from each of their innocent subconscious. I was immediately grieving with them in advance of them ever knowing I was expecting.

Second, my mind went to my work. It was like I was screaming 'I don't want to quit my jobs!'. My business. I already had a little baby - kind of. I had just done my first Showit Live on 'starting a business', was picking up for wedding season, had just booked my first wedding on my own. My plan was to have a business at the 'right place' so when the flesh and blood Baby Sturdy came along I could be at a place where it would 'make sense'.

I had it all planned. I was in control. And with two little lines. I wasn't.

It's been 8 months of a diet of Popsicles, Italian food, nothing at all, and pizza non stop, getting sick from a couple sips of water, the smell of Degree deodorant making me want to hurl, chiropractor visits, rib pain, and a steadily built relationship with Buy Buy Baby. But that's just the small stuff. What these past 8 months have given me is not more of a reason to panic, or a 'get out of jail free card' to close my business before it even began. No.

It gave me the gift of slowing down.It gave me the gift of humility towards the capacity of my body, life and schedule. It gave me the gift of true anticipation.

I wish I could come out with pomp and circumstance in 2014. I wish I had confetti canons and a huge marketing plan, and 365 giveaways and surprises.

But I'm being led on a different path. A quieter one. And I invite you to shuffle along with me. Don't worry, I still make good time. But my walk, has slowed more to a stroll. Too fast and I'm in pain, too slow and I'm going backwards. But I'm telling you that 2014 will be a year of two births....one of my own flesh and blood...and one of my own sweat and tears. Stay with me on the journey.